great moments in pickup artistry
the following text message exchange occurred today between a lady friend and i…
me: soooo…had any threesomes lately?
lady friend: Sadly, no. But I did make my annual trip to the STD clinic to get tested yesterday and some guy was hitting on me! I was like, HELL NO!
me: you HAVE to go out with that guy! please tell me you gave him your number?
lady friend: Hell no! Are you kidding me? Who picks up girls at the STD clinic? He was South American or something. Obvs he has something!
me: well what the fuck were YOU doing there? both of your nether-bits are tainted, thus ur perfect for each other.
lady friend: I WAS JUST GETTING CHECKED ASSHOLE!
me: maybe he was doing the same? maybe he’s that rare conscientious guy.
lady friend: NO! He had something. I could tell.
me: i’m just bummed that your unwillingness to date him harpoons what could have been the greatest ny times wedding announcement ever.
lady friend: STOP!
me: “[redacted] and Carlos met in the lobby of a clinic on 165th street while both of them were looking over valtrex literature.”
lady friend: HA! That would be very funny. Maybe I can find him on Facebook.
