January 2009
“I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job.”
– Charles Barkley’s explanation to a police officer as to why he ran a stop sign in Arizona. He was taken to the station and booked with DUI, where he then attempted to “bribe” the arresting officer by offering to “tattoo your name on my ass.” I don’t think that...
The Way We Move by InnerPartySystem
My favorite...
December 2008
One of the more hilarious things I've seen in a...
So I’ve been whittling the afternoon away watching the Brut Sun Bowl live from El Paso, Texas on CBS, possibly the shittiest bowl game in the history of bowl games mind you, and I’ve been endlessly amused by the steady stream of commercials running for Brut, the game’s corporate sponsor, all of which center around the product slogan, “Brut, The Essence of Man.” The...
A most baffling conundrum
I’ve been chewing on this for a few hours now, and for the life of me I can’t figure out how one manages to burn one’s vagina with scalding hot coffee, to the point where one can only find relief in the comfort of a compress of frozen vegetable niblets. What’s perhaps even more baffling is how one then decides that the next logical play to call in this Super Bowl of...
“It was not an amicable divorce.”
– Covina, California police Lt. Pat Buchanan following an incident in which a recently divorced man showed up at his former in-laws Christmas Eve party disguised as Santa Claus and slaughtered eight people.
“But it always strikes me as weird when bloggers, whose primary task is to...”
– A commenter on Ezra Klein’s recent piece on the decline of newspapers. (via erin)
Raking the muck.
via katiebakes:
Who said that good ole fashioned investigatory journalism will be dead in the Media 2.0 era?
While the disaster of a print publication that is Portfolio magazine is probably trying to put the finishing touches on some clever little charticle about the erstwhile oil boom, a little industry blog that could is providing compelling, original, value-added reporting on a timely topic:...
“Steve Jobs is pulling out before things get messy.”
– One of the best print ledes I’ve ever seen, courtesy of of the Post (who else?).
Bush’s Philosophy Stoked the Mortgage Bonfire →
via johncarney:
Almost a year after I first wrote “We Blame George Bush” for the mortgage crisis, the New York Times has finally come around to understanding what happened.
Always Love by Nada Surf
“I walked over to the hill where we used to go and sled. There were a lot of...”
– Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower (via zoee)
I'm sure it's only a coincidence...
Remember how the National Enquirer reported earlier this year that Sarah Palin’s son Track was hooked on Oxycontin for two years? The ENQUIRER has learned exclusively that Sarah’s oldest son, Track, was addicted to the power drug OxyContin for nearly the past two years, snorting it, eating it, smoking it and even injecting it. And as Track, 19, heads to Iraq as part of the U.S. armed...
“Near the end of “Seven Pounds” a carefully laminated piece of paper appears, on...”
– A. O. Scott
Fuck. Shit. Damn.
Now where the hell am I supposed to get my crystal meth at?
Scattered Thoughts 12/18/08 →
Trends
Wait, highwaters are in “style” now? That’s fucking retarded.
On Ashleys
I’ve come to the realization that I have many girls named “Ashley” in my life. I’m not sure what this means exactly, perhaps it’s some sort of indictment against my character, but it’s getting to the point of being truly ridiculous. Sure, a couple of them spell their names a little differently from the traditional spelling of the name, one spells it...
Ashley by my buddy Pete Schmidt
Up In The Air
via gabrieldelahaye:
“His hands are large and thick, and he knows certain things like the back of them.”
-Ian Frasier writing for the New Yorker
I’m trying to figure out if this is a really well crafted sentence, or one of the worst sentences I’ve ever read in my life. I’m leaning towards the latter.
The latter.
Burger King Releases Beef-Scented Cologne →
Area Woman Becomes Republican Vice Presidential... →
(via hellofriend)
Governor Paterson unveils "fuck the single,...
You see what happens when SNL makes fun of him and everybody blogs about it!
Gov. Paterson’s proposed $121 billion budget hits New Yorkers in their iPods - and nickels-and-dimes them in lots of other places, too.
Trying to close a $15.4 billion budget gap, Paterson called for 88 new fees and a host of other taxes, including an “iPod tax” that taxes the sale of downloaded music...
“With the unmasking of Gov. Rod Blagojevich as a kleptocrat of Paraguayan...”
– Jacob Weisberg
WatchMark Lisanti’s out of control lust for Santa-sodomy is ruining Christmas.
Same Old Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg
Fogelberg...
Bernie Madoff on 2007: "In today's regulatory... →
Jay Carney, brother of John Carney of...
Does this news mean that Joe Biden will be soon making an appearance at The Magician? Katie Bakes has her fingers crossed, I’m sure.
Can I propose something here?
From now on, anytime someone on Tumblr openly solicits a new follower in a thinly veiled attempt to brag about the number of followers they already have (“Ok…so who’s gonna be the lucky person to be my (insert number here) follower?”), that person should be unfollowed by every person following them immediately.
The Madoff Effect: Investor Confidence Crushed →
via johncarney:
As if the markets weren’t already horrifying enough, now we know huge parts were being run by scammers. Ugh. This is going to give new meaning to the phrase “going to the mattresses.”
All This Love by El DeBarge
“I want to go out on top like Misshapes or Seinfeld.”
– Richard Blakeley
Fake Nick Denton Outs Self →
You know what...
fuck da Bears! Geaux Saints!
